Like Slim Shady - I'm back

 Well I think I'm a kinder and nicer person the Slim to be fair but like the song says - I'm back.. back again...

WHAT'S UP! 

Getting back into tri?

Where do I start? Ok for anyone who is new or likes to read waffle...  let's summarise previous journey/ timeline.

Unfit at the age of 36 I wanted a new start - whilst watching the London Marathon I was blown away by the quantity and variety of people running and couldn't imagine myself running that far. Some how these two things combined to be setting myself a 4 year BHAG to enter and complete and Ironman triathlon for my 40th birthday. At the time I didn't own a bike, could barely swim 25m (I did at least think I knew how to do front crawl, I was wrong) and was confident I could run 5k.

My journey started and on the way I somehow managed to represent team GB at olympic distance at the European champs (note I'm definitely not that good - there weren't many people racing and qualifying back then).. I did a few half ironman, a marathon and got to do my IM in 2010. Through that race I managed to qualify for team GB once again for the ITU long course worlds in 2011... that one was fun in Las Vegas! 2012 was set to be an epic year but I ended up having abdominal surgery that pretty much ruined my peak fitness but that was ok because I had the happiest of times getting hitched in late 2012. We had a wonderful 6 month honeymoon adventure in the southern hemisphere. Once home I got myself a job and started to vaguely self-train again and went into a half ironman very underprepared in 2014..... it was a horrible experience and taught me a lot..... so I got myself a coach at the end of that season and started training proper... In 2015 I a did a good half ironman but then had to reduce training with another surgery hanging over me... my medical issue resolved itself so I trained in earnest for IM Vichy in 2016. It was hardest of training but the best of races ... I really enjoyed it (despite the feeling like I may drown in the swim which was by now my strongest leg - suffice to say the swim didn't go well)... we had awesome weather, a brilliant (flat!) bike course and an excellent run course around the town. The only thing about the entire trip which was sub-optimal was the accommodation!

Since then I have stop start fitness due lack of motivation, minor illnesses, occasionally injury and a bit of stress inducing self flagellating workaholism ..... 

But now ... The come back is officially ON (something I've been wanting to say since Jan 2021 post my surgery).. now I'll confess...  the comeback is nothing more then feeling fit and healthy enough to train consistently and hopefully, probably, enter(*) and complete a race or two... I don't have any ambition for racing other than sheer enjoyment ... train to enjoy races is the mantra... so the days I don't feel like training I am just going to get on and do it because I want to race and want to enjoy them (that's my why)... I get a thrill (well used to) from getting on the lycra and prepared at the start line. Time will tell. 

So here we are... I'm not on a plan yet .. I'm still enjoying doing pretty much unstructured training.. just getting out swim, bike and running with a deep knowledge that strength training and flexibility are my new foundations for success (unlike years of past where I literally ignored the need for both as I was fine with getting stronger just by swimming, biking or running). 

Here is my footnote of injury/ illness since I was last serious about triathlon...not that I'm making excuses (ok ok I am)

Injuries: torn ankle ligaments (right 2018, 4months out), injured rotator cuff (left 2018 2months out), probable meniscus tear (left knee 2023 4 months completely off)

Illnesses: post IM labyrinthitis (2016), unknown virus that gave itchy blotches (2017), whopping cough (2017), most likely something covidish (2020 and 2023)

Major surgery: complete hysterectomy so no more hormones for me in late 2020.... nothing like over sharing but it provides some context as that really walloped me for 6

So here I am mid-50s very menopausal... getting myself back into shape and hoping to tri again sometime next year... (*) indeed I got a bit carried away and tempted by an early bird offering I've actually entered a race ... holy shit

Back to Day 1

 I’m not talking about the op rehab nor Covid

I quick search of my blog I found I’ve only mentioned the word “Iraq” three times so it’s clear I’ve never really mentioned it and maybe that’s fine - this blog originated as a means to diarise my journey in triathlon after all…. But you know I may not have even started doing anything to do with triathlon as it was being holed up in a German Garrison on the way back from Iraq that I discovered this sport and decided I’d give it a bash and commenced my original 4 year journey towards my first IM

And now here I am some 16 years after my call up, and 15 years since I got back talking about day 1

Yes day fucking 1 .. AGAIN

When I first got home from the conflict I’d say every day for the first 3-4 months was a day 1.. the first day of counting when I didn’t feel under threat, ready to run, planning escape routes, ready… just ready to act. Every day, every single day for the first few months my brain couldn’t compute that I was safe. I was certainly primed for fight or flight. Over time the days did start joining together and they eventually became months.. often with a reset to day 1 after bonfire night, fireworks became my nemesis 

As years have gone I’ve got fine with them. As long as I’m inside. Or if outside, as long as I expect them and I’m in the dark. I have no issues.

My last day 1 was probably 2.5 years ago when I was on a bus coming home from work (trains had problems so my last let home was a hour on the bus!), and someone threw some sort of banger firework at the bus. I was in the light, I was not expecting it (even though it was firework season). It was a mere moment but I got home and simply cried. It really shook me up - I don’t know how I stayed on the bus and can only remember the light of the bus when the bang when and the darkness of the street when i got off near home and ran like my life depended on it.. the bit in between must have taken at least 20mins but I’ve literally no idea.

The thing is I can’t explain to you anything really. It makes no sense … like none at all. Every single bit of me goes into hyperdrive and I want to act but my conscious brain knows I’m safe, knows this isn’t a problem (I mean it certainly shouldn’t be), but every single instinct in my body gets wired and wants to act, i guess adrenaline is involved somewhere.. I can’t describe the inner conflict - the will it takes just to sit still and convince yourself it’s ok - whilst literally you want to run for cover.

I don’t know where the tears come from after these things … I’m not sad, at least I don’t think I am!! I am not frightened, I know I have no need to be… . I shouldn’t feel ashamed but part of me does.. it kind of feels how I’d feel i think if i suddenly pissed my pants without having control (and I can assure you i don’t do that!! LOL)…. 

Fortunately, and I am fortunate… I have such a brilliant partner in life. She is just amazing. I would feel so lonely if I weren’t able to talk to her - she knows this reaction is so irrational, which confuses my brain so much given I seek logic in everything …and this whole shitshow is so illogical it infuriates me…. Importantly she doesn’t try and rationalise (even when I do), she just listens and helps as she is a presence of calmness.

For the first time today I actually went on line to the combatstress website. It turns out (like no shit Sherlock) that it has some really useful self help resources around anxiety and ptsd. By coincidence I have a lot of their suggestions in my armaments so I’m doing ok today (I’ve meditated, done some light exercise and here’s some reflective thinking)…. Honestly there self help pages are spot on and having a framework to process what happened has really helped.  I often feel like I shouldn’t go on these resources, because I wasn’t really in intense danger, i don’t think it should apply, my conflict wasn’t so bad. .. but at the end of the day I went from a civvy pencil pusher one moment to donning body armour and helmet in a conflict zone the next. We all came under indirect fire (hence fireworks are shitty), no one I knew personally died, there was one close call with one of the guys I hung out with but that was it. Road moves and helicopter rides were tense. Sometimes I feel like a fraud that I react in the way I do - I don’t know how folks who had far far more difficult tours then I did every get over it. 

So last night I was in the light, surrounded by a derelict Abby on a warm and steamy night… first it was some boy racers with backfiring exhausts, i was vaguely ok kind of in control but then the fireworks started. It was exhausting for what felt like an age but was probably a couple of mins where i held on to reality.

I’m not writing this blog for any other reason to say then to just get it out.. and say  hey ho.. here we are back on day 1… I see you .. I know you and whilst I feel you Mr Flight or Fight, you are not required. Please do one. 

4 years later...

 .... a lot can happen in 4 years .. or not.. here’s a summary of my swim/bike/run adventures since...

Well since Vichy I’ve done 1 sprint tri ( yes just 1) and a half marathon (yes just 1) .... 

The year after Vichy 2017 was a bit of a write off due to virus’ and a new job .... but I supported well that year! I did sneak in the sprint on little to no training but that was it race wise (did also manage to run multiple parts of the Kennet and Avon canal which was some fun)... and we headed to Italy for a walking holiday and some spectating of IM Italy!

2018 I was beginning to get into a training rhythm having entered reading half, that was cancelled because  of snow but still I had also entered a local 70.3 ...then I fell down the stairs and tore ankle ligaments... so that race was a no go and saw me back to couch to 5k in the early summer .... I did enter a 10k swim .. only to do in a rotator cuff 10days out... so that buggered that up.. but i spectated well for that too...

2019 well I had thought about entering Vichy 70.3 but the race got full before I got my arse in gear... I did manage to do Reading Half Marathon in a personal worse but at least I got something done ... I got a new job and just decided that it would be my focus and so just some occasional swim, bike or run randomly .... did do a sportive with Team Twinkles so I did at least get a medal!

I had plans for a few races and sportives this year... I mean I’d even entered some!.... but than Covid came to town and everything went to shit .... 

It’s now September.... there’s kind of some point to planning events for next year but other than my postponed Luxembourg 70.3 there is nothing to actually enter BUT I had been getting back into the rhythm of some running, some bike and a little open water swimming (when that was allowed again)... was beginning to feel good about my fitness levels coming back... I mean I may be 50 now and so a lot slower but you can still get fit right?.. and I have to say the last year without races saw me put on a few kg ... so I was getting into good baseline shape again by end of July... having hit my Fit @ 50 (FaF!) goals which weren’t about speed but just getting out and about with my weight and body fat in a good zone... anyway... it’s now Sept and Aug was a bit craperony because a niggle that’s been niggling pretty much all year really flared up... so it turns out I’ll prob be having surgery next month which will wipe out all swim/bike and running for the rest of the year... of course me being me need a plan and something to aim for .... so ideally I would like to be able to be walking by the end of the year and as an outside goal depending on how it goes maybe I’m going to be starting a couch to 5k plan again and maybe could be cycling... but I’m just going to have to be patient and see what’s what.... I think Luxembourg 70.3 was perhaps never meant to be!!... but assuming it goes ahead Covid allowing and all... I’m sure I’ll enjoy being a Sherpa!!

[edit the surgery happened - it ended up being a 4.5hr complex surgery - nothing life threatening but messy]